Funny Animal jokes And One Liners « Jokes Directory | Look, Laugh comedy

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the best Animal jokes & one liners

We have compiled a categorized list of the best Animal jokes and one liners from your favorite comedians and around the web. Our hilarious Animal joke list is comprised of a wide range of topics including:

  • Cat Jokes & One Liners
  • Chicken Jokes & One Liners
  • Insect Jokes & One Liners
  • Dog Jokes & One Liners
  • Pig Jokes & One Liners

hilarious Animal jokes

Donnell Rawlings on "Killer Whales"

A whale is killing people in SeaWorld. That's not funny but the headlines were funny: 'Killer Whale Kills.' What the hell do you think a killer whale's going to do? If you go to Brooklyn and see somebody named Killer Mike you don't think he'd give you no roses.

Eddie Brill on "Animal Similies"

Whenever we use similes for some reason, we always use animals. And I'll show you what I mean. They say a man's an animal trying to pick up a girl at a bar. He likes to show her he's strong as an ox, sly as a fox, memory like an elephant, can become slippery as an eel, a regular snake in the grass. Girl likes that; she's going home with him. They're snug as two bugs in a rug. So they go home. They hump like rabbits. Unfortunately, he's quick as a bunny. She's depressed. She goes right into the refrigerator. She's hungry as a bear, eats like a pig. He goes to the liquor cabinet, gets drunk as a skunk. He drinks like a fish; he's blind as a bat. Next thing you know, he's out in the street, naked as a jaybird. He's pissing like a racehorse. He goes, 'Screw her. I'm hung like a horse.'

Jimmie Roulette on "Dumb Animals"

If you think about the animals we do eat, we only eat the dumb ones. Our three main meats are what? Cows, fish, chickens -- all animals, I'm pretty sure, if they could talk, you could trick them into killing themselves.

Kurt Metzger on "Human Nature"

You know, human beings are the only animal in all of nature that sometimes shoves other animals up their ass.

Paul Mooney on "Free Willy"

I went to see 'Free Willy.' Have you seen their latest film? White people -- there's something wrong with them. And so dramatic: 'Willy! Come on you! Willy can make it! Jump, Willy, jump! Your belly's white; you can make it! Willy!' Obsessed with this whale.

I don't give a damn about no Willy. I ruined the whole premiere. I stood up and said, 'I want my freedom! I don't care about no whale!'

Robert Schimmel on "Swimming with Dolphins"

My daughter saw this billboard for this place: 'Swim With the Dolphins.' She goes, 'I wanna do that.' I said, 'It's a lot of money -- forget about it.' She said, 'Dad, I always wanted to swim with the dolphins.' 'Always, or since you saw the sign?'

Robert Schimmel on "Bears Riding Bikes"

I took my kid to the circus. 'How do they teach a bear how to ride a bike?' 'It's easy, honey, they nail his feet to the pedals, and they beat the crap out of him. He's not riding; he's running. He just happens to be attached to the bike.'

Robert Schimmel on "Shamu Plane"

I flew out here on Southwest Airlines. Southwest has a plane that's painted like Shamu the whale from Sea World. Yeah, that'll be easy to find if that went down in the ocean. That'll be nice, when you're trying to get out and a real whale's humping your window.

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