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Jim Gaffigan Biography

Jim Gaffigan has proven himself a major talent beloved to a wide range of audiences, achieving accolades and awards for his stand-up comedy, acting, and writing.

His clever, quiet style has made him one of the top five most successful touring comedians in the country today and his CDs and DVDs have reached platinum sales. Gaffigan has had an unprecedented number of appearances on late night’s “Letterman" and “Conan." His writing and voice work on the animated series “Pale Force” for Conan led to nominations for both a Broadband Emmy and a Webby Award.

Gaffigan has had breakout guest appearances on many comedies and dramas ranging from HBO's cult hits "Flight of the Concords" and "Bored to Death" to dramatic roles in all three versions of "Law & Order".

In recent years, Gaffigan has also become a mainstay on the big screen with memorable roles in "Going the Distance", "Away We Go" and "It's Kind of a Funny Story." Gaffigan will next be seen alongside Jennifer Connolly, Ed Harris, Pierce Bronson, and Greg Kinnear in the highly anticipated film "Salvation Boulevard” which will premier at the Sundance Film Festival in 2011.

Further broadening his career, Gaffigan will soon star in his first Broadway production, “That Championship Season”. As part of the highly acclaimed play, Gaffigan will appear in the ensemble alongside Chris Noth, Brian Cox, Jason Patric, and Kiefer Sutherland; previews will start next Spring.

Jim Gaffigan comedy specials

  • Jim Gaffigan: Mr. Universe (2012) Jim Gaffigan Mr. Universe The Special was released for digial download on April 11th, 2012.
  • Jim Gaffigan: King Baby (2009) Jim Gaffigan King Baby Filmed in Austin, Texas. The DVD was released on March 29th, 2009.
  • Jim Gaffigan: Beyond The Pale (2005) Jim Gaffigan Beyond The Pale Filmed at The Vic Theatre in Chicago, Illinois. The DVD was released in 2005.

Jim Gaffigan jokes, Quotes and One Liners

I wish I was ethnic; I'm nothing. 'Cause if you're Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, 'He's got a Latin temper.' But if you're a white guy and you get angry, people are like, 'That guy's a jerk.'

Have you seen the bologna that has the olives in it? Who's that for? 'I like my bologna like a martini. With an olive.' 'I'll have the bologna sandwich -- dirty.'

My favorite channel is the Lifetime Channel because Lifetime is television for women -- Lifetime: Television for Women. Yet, for some reason, there's always a woman getting beaten on that channel.

Parents get burned out in big families. You can even see it in the naming of children. It's always, like, the first kid: 'You were named after Grandma'; the seventh kid: 'You were named after a sandwich I had. I loved that. Now, get your brother Reuben.'

I think it'd be great if you had a kid that ended up being pope. That would be the ultimate bragging rights. 'Oh, your son's a doctor? Yeah, ours is pope. Oh, they have a house? He has his own city.'

You ever read an article, and at the bottom, it says, 'Continued on page six'? I'm like, 'Not for me. I'm done.'

There's a different kind of pride where I'm from. It's not like 'We're from New York: we're tough' or 'We're from Texas: we like things big.' It's more like, 'We're from Indiana, and we're gonna move.'

Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers.

When you don't drink, people always need to know why. They're like, 'You don't drink? Why?' This never happens with anything else. 'You don't use mayonnaise? Why? Are you addicted to mayonnaise? Is it OK if I use mayonnaise?'

Life is a little easier for attractive people. Think about it: if a stranger smiles at you and they're attractive, you think, 'Oh, they're nice,' but if a stranger's ugly, you're like, 'What do they want? Get away from me, weirdo.'

How did we get to the point where we're paying for bottled water? That must have been some weird marketing meeting over in France. Some French guy's sitting there, like, 'How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water.'

Have you ever had somebody not ask for directions but demand them. You're just walking down the street, you hear a horn -- some guy's like, 'Holland Tunnel!' You know, like you were supposed to fax this guy directions; suddenly, you're wasting his time. 'Let's go, buddy -- Holland Tunnel!'

You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like you pick up your mail, you go in your house, you realize you have a letter for a neighbor -- you ever just look at the letter and go, 'Hm, looks like they're never getting this. Takes too much energy to go outside.'

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